husband doesn t want to go on family vacation

That much concern/lack of trust that his wife is going to go off and cheat on him because of what city shes in smells like projecting to me. Im someone who immediately leaps to the Worst Possible Scenario thanks to my anxiety. He just says everybody so that it will give weight to his selfish wants. I guess it's doable, but I wouldn't do it. A great thing to consider would be inviting a few friends over on Friday night for Shabbat dinner. And, if not, perhaps he and the OP should take a trip together there (not on one of her business trips). We actually started in couples counseling and it was working through that process that convinced him to go to individual counseling and go on medication. Ugh. Very true, which is why I separated the two as control/abuse; theyre not necessarily part of the same package. It really sounds like your husband is trying to control you. OH MY GOD your husband makes me so pissed. I have serious issues with anxiety and I read it the same way. Actually, prostitution is NOT legal in Las Vegas and gambling is legal in a Million places in the United States. Where is he staying. A relationship problem is not necessarily a problem where both people in the relationship are doing something wrong, but a problem that affects the relationship. The big issue is that hes being controlling and jealous in a really misogynist way, so Im not actually all that concerned with or sympathetic about notional anxiety issues at this point. One casino is the same as another, the food isnt as good as it once was (you have to go off-strip for the REALLY good stuff), and its crazy expensive. When I was a teen, she wouldnt even let me walk the dog around our boring, gated community if it was dark out. Sometimes folks with untreated anxiety hear what they want to hear. There are few things worse than insisting that your partner go to therapy, and then having them misrepresent the situation and use therapy to validate themselves. Im good at what I do and I dont want to be made to feel bad because of it. And Id add that theres a difference between (unwarranted) demands rooted in irrational fears, and those rooted in control/trust issues. But a counselor can assess it and go from there. vacation without ever spending a single quarter in a slot machine! : Dont bring your kids to The Thunder Down Under that show doesnt have anything to do with the weather) but its pretty safe, relatively speaking. Or leave? This is WAAAY different than not having a closed door meeting with a member of the opposite sex, though. I wanted to get tickets for a show, but it was sold out. Be direct, and even brutally honest: Im not having this conversation (& hang up); Im not doing this again (& walk away); Im not changing my mind; Im not negotiating Im giving you the facts Basically, lots of Im not/I cant/I wont statements that are all about you and your limits. I care about your son's emotional health, the emotional damage he will suffer, when this emotional abuser of an ex tells his lies about you. My (mentally ill) mom does this thing where if theres something she doesnt want me to do, she makes up stories about how dangerous/stupid/inconsiderate/selfish/wrong of me to do it. You are not alone with this. I think this is my problem with some of the suggestions that OP should bring her husband on the trip. If youre from a community where a spouse needs to sign off on business travel and letting you go is a real thing, I suggest couples counseling to explore that. I got a sense of that with first part of the letter, but then the follow-up indicated he said his pals would not LET their spouses/sig others go well, thats a pretty bright red flag there. My mother too. I just want to comment in support of you and your husband. My mom is the same way. But, at least in that case, she was 100% aware of the power dynamics she signed up for in entering the marriage, unlike our OP. Be very very wary of ever harming your career or earning potential because of the desires of another person. If this is more an inexperience thing, it still needs to stop but I think it is less worrying than control/abuse issues. Of course, this is all conjecture. Its just not reasonable to expect a spouse to not travel for business, and I cant imagine a whole group of people who would say such a thing. Absence doesnt make the heart grow fonder, it ruins relationships and I am 3 decades in. Also she is sole provider for family? At some level, I doubt he even realizes at this point whats going on. Either theyll know already that it doesnt work that way, or worse, theyll try it and end up handing more ammunition to the husband. Jealous? Sometimes its hard to realize that the smaller part of an issue youre focusing on is actually part of something bigger, and you need someone else to alert you to that. For me, the issues here are 1) input from friends is useful to inform ones own feelings, not make demands of ones partner by committee, and 2) ultimately, the person most affected by the demands is in the best position to make the right judgment call. update: how can I turn down training requests from my clients? The weather sucks in Vegas. Anxiety is a beast, and the sooner he gets a support system and coping strategies in place for this kind of out-of-control thinking the better. If he balks or outright refuses, then that might be a signal that theyre in abusive territory and LW should consider solo counseling to decide how best to handle it. I just want to highlight this since some commenters are piling on about the husband being some kind of chauvinist keeping women down. You travel with the rest of the managers in your company, and I would assume many of them have spouses (and presumably most are able to handle behaving like a responsible adult). So I understand, at some level, where the husband is coming from when he thinks about these horrible things happening to his spouse. I hope this topic can also help someone else facing simalry issues. Finally, I can think of far better places to hold business meetings like Atlanta you have to change planes here anyway, so why not?? That sounds like you, AP but the LWs husband sounds like the former. Obviously you were in horrific fiery car crash. Unless theyre all really churchy (and the OP didnt say), if any of my previous partners said that, Id give it massive side-eye. He should not be demanding that you refuse to go on a business trip and unleashing all of this unfounded anxiety on you. You should go to counseling, alone and together if hell go with you, because I cant tell if hes super anxious, or just super controlling. Your husband has some very abnormal thoughts and I cant any scenario where you not going to Vegas has any bearing on the kind of warped thinking going on in his brain. Whether its legitimate is pretty much beside the point. I stayed once at Palms Place, the long-term stay part of the Palms that is set up like studio apartments with full kitchens. And, in those cases both parties may need to adjust their behavior and / or way that they communicate. oh, and the dancing fountains at the Bellagio. Indifference. Thats a very important distinction to make, between thing in and not in the LWs control. You definitely need counseling, and he may need his own as well. Is a 4 day trip to Vegas worth loosing a 10 yrs relationship. When an argument starts stop trying to persuade him or defend yourself. Fiance also didnt want me to go to an industry event because admission was closed to non-members; he couldnt just drop by to say hello, and how would he know if I was okay? 4. I didnt have to take many work trips, being a teacher, but I did occasionally go to educational seminars. That doesnt mean I believe totally that hubby polled everybody and reports the results fairly, but it really doesnt have to be an indication that he ignored a local majority to find like-minded people. I really hate the bad rap Vegas gets. This is a really, really big deal. A therapist will be of substantial benefit to OP in uncovering these typically subconcious assumptions and patterns, and mindfully challenging them and acquiring a different and more equitable relationship with her husband. A little bit, mostly to servers who thought I might be lonely and often came over to chat while I was having dinner. after that. I also dont think cultural relativity is relevant when OP is clearly uncomfortable with his behaviour. AP, this is just a wonderful post. Note that once you confirm, this action cannot be undone. Statistically, the most dangerous part of this trip is the car drive to the airport. My husband was very upset. Maybe he needs counseling for anxiety. Ill willingly concede that deglove describes something altogether horrible, but deplane is an idiotic, unnecessary, invented word. My in-laws (who I no longer speak to) freaked out when my wife and I got our current apartment because they found out it was across the street from the best Mexican restaurant in our city. Its notable that he took a of survey of other people to bolster his position. The big difference is that OPs husband cant keep an eye on her when shes in Vegas. Say to yourself something like, I am not a therapist, and even if I were, it would be unethical and impossible for me to treat someone Im in a relationship with. Theres a lot of pressure on family to be carers and therapists and *everything* someone needs its not possible, its often harmful give yourself permission to skip that mess. That is the problem. We took turns driving and stopped whenever we needed to fill up with gas or have a break, and if LO started crying and needed to be fed, we'd stop then, too. Its a big deal, but its not the end of the world for either of you. If anything those are probably among the safer places in the country. I guess I read that differently than everyone else? I have one. Instead, let yourself feel what youre feeling without judgment orshame. I have a friend that refuses to go to Vegas because he believes its the modern Sodom and Gomorrah. A difficult or stressful situation with in-laws can cause undue stress and anxiety, making you feel rejected and undervalued. Thats even better than the Seinfeld episode where Georges girlfriend refuses to accept his decision to break up with her! We had screaming matches over girls night out or any activity that might throw me in the path of men. And I recognize that this is 100% My Problem and I need to adapt my behaviour to deal with it. Im not going to be lured into seedy underworld just because its there! Marriage counseling is fine, but this sounds like HIS problem, and I think he needs to work on that himself if youre going to get anywhere. My colleagues travel all over the world, sometimes to places in great upheaval where they have to have military escorts. Vegas is not somewhere Id vacation, but conferences there are very smooth and convenient. We walk through various casinos and gawk. I think. Answer (1 of 11): I do not care why he does it! Sure, its too much if youre super conservative, but then the root of the debate is not Las Vegas itself. For the OP, thats the problem here. But yeah, even then Im thinking more one-off or emergency situations at home, not I dont like that city!. Id love to see a red flag exercise at Nellis AFB. Its simple to plan a conference because food, rooms, space are all within one building. Thank you so much for your response! We talked about it a lot and it turns out that most of his fears were based on baggage from previous relationships (2 of his exes cheated). My husband is like this, perhaps to a slightly lesser extent. Plus, I like to travel so it was a good excuse. I tell him that if he was in my shoes, I would be supportive. Just that it might be (MIGHT) an explanation. He will tell me if something is wrong as I will. He wasnt healthy for me. It doesnt sound as though shes given him any reason to be so insecure. Iam lost. the religious environments patriarchal enough that it would be an inherent problem would ALSO have a problem with the woman being the one who works. This advice is enabling his negative behaviors. Just last night I got home around sunset to find my wifes car in the driveway, the garage door open, all the lights off, and the house still and quiet. Scheduled calls keep him more relaxed. And thats Congo. Also, sometimes its exhausting to argue with an anxiety sufferer and you end up agreeing to get out of the discussion. Do the counseling (alone or with him.) But Im not lazy I just love my wife and after 8 yrs of marriage Im worried shes bored with me. My mom is convinced that as soon as the sun goes down, everyone is a drunk driver. This was my impression as well lodging, food, and entertainment is easy to get in Vegas, and (I would imagine) relatively less expensive than, say, a retreat in Napa. Him trying to get her to conform to a cultural norm that shes rejecting isnt necessary toxic, but just because its somebodys culture doesnt mean they get to impose it on others. And plenty of men there without their wives. When you try to say you wont let me do something, that tells me that you think Im too incompetent to make an appropriate choice on my own, which is really disrespectful. To expand a little bit on what Anita and others above have posited: Regardless of whether this is solely an artifact of having absorbed toxic masculinity, or an anxiety/perseverative/compulsive thoughts issue, or some combination thereof, my experience has been that successful treatment of such issues will likely involve at least some behavior change on the part of the OP, and the OP stands to gain a lot of helpful personal skills by being an active participant (as appropriate) in whatever mix of interpersonal, couples, or cognitive behavioral therapy that they find. In many cities, there are few or no options to indulge in these vices, certainly not legally! Even emphasizing the point, like even they said theyd let their spouses go to Las Vegas. Dont try to rationally argue with him; much like a toddler, he isnt thinking rationally and it will get you nowhere. Last time I was in Vegas (similar situation) I ate at a few off-strip but highly-rated restaurants. Sometimes there is no choice due to your family circumstances or mutual agreement, but this is not one of them. Everyone he talks to agrees with him. Well, first of all, they dont. I didnt hear that there were kids. She comes back with cool stories and we have something to talk about besides work and whats for dinner. If you leave it as a well go eventually and never book it, and also never talk about it, things are gonna get worse. Its a very highly policed city. Its like a bachelor/bachelorette people think they have a free pass because of the occasion and act way more out of line than they would at, say, a bridal shower. I couldnt be with someone this domineering and controlling. Some people may have only a negative perception of Vegas, but the important thing is realizing that kneejerk perception is actually inaccurate.

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